guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
