how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
