I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
