i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
