Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
