just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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