My liver just broke up with me...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
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doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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