I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
