I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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