I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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