an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
