I cockslap morals
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
