Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
