I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
