So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
