tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
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dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
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Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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