Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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