I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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