Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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