I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
