One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
