i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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