Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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