Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
