just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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