Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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