I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
