I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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