Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
