Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
