i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
