So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
