I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
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