Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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