There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
