actually, I'm a sock model
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
