i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
