I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
