saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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