We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
