Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
