He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
