It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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