You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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