Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
