There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have grass duct taped all over my body
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
