Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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