I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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