Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning