The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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