I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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