It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
